Hot Mess Hero by Bock Alton

Author:Bock, Alton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2023-11-29T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 19

I was so upset by the home invasion that I got back in the car and finished off the entire box of Tastykakes, including the one I promised to save for Katie. (I ended up going back to the store for another box on the way home.)

When I got home, it was after dinner. A part of me felt bad that I spent so much time away from my family, knowing I had to leave the very next day. The other part of me realized it was best for everyone if I didn’t come home just a little bit drunk so I sat in the driveway and swigged the rum straight until I was happy and handsy. It took about ten minutes and four good swigs.

Everyone was back in front of the TV when I walked into the room. A few empty pizza boxes littered the coffee table, thus answering the question about what Mark gave the kids for dinner.

“Any left for me?”

“There’s a slice somewhere,” said Ryan, my new least favorite kid.

I tossed the last Butterscotch Krimpet to Katie. “Here.”

“What’s this for?”

“For keeping your mouth shut.”

“I thought you’d be mad at me.”

“I am. That’s why there aren’t two. But when pressed for details you gave them nothing.”

“Thanks.”

“You all right?” Mark asked.

“That depends on you.”

He knew what I meant. “We’ll see.”

That was a ‘no.’

“I’m gonna take a shower. In case you change your mind.”

He never did, at least not that night. When I returned from the shower, the living room looked the same as when I left it. I rummaged through the pizza boxes but that slice Ryan said had my name on it had found another stomach to call home. My money was on Ryan, whose burp smelled suspiciously like Supreme which he hated except when it was the last slice.

I poured a rum-and-coke and debated myself about the pros and cons of running out for another box of donuts. Instead, I drank myself silly, and one-by-one we headed off to bed. As each left the room, I checked their minds. Each thought happy thoughts, even Katie. That, in turn, made me happy.

I woke up alone the next morning. I heard Mark’s voice coming from the kitchen along with two others voices I didn’t recognize plus one I did.

I got dressed and went downstairs.

Shanna, the familiar voice, greeted me. “Ready?”

“What time is it?”

“7:30.”

“Is there coffee?”

“Here.”

“Don’t worry,” said Mark. “I made it how you like it.”

“Enough sugar to make my foot fall off?”

“You got it.”

“See that?” I asked Shanna. “Find a man who knows how to make you happy.”

I got a look at the new caretakers. Both were attractive but not as much as me if I’m being brutally honest. “I’m Lydia, the reason you’re both here.”

“Our pleasure,” they said in unison.

“Can I give some pointers?”

They wisely nodded.

“First, the gutters are almost full. Also, Mark likes his underwear ironed and I usually chew the kids’ food for them.”

“Sweetie, why?”

“Hey, if I’m gonna leave these ladies alone with my family I expect them to do exactly as I do.

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