Hot Mess Hero by Bock Alton
Author:Bock, Alton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2023-11-29T00:00:00+00:00
Chapter 19
I was so upset by the home invasion that I got back in the car and finished off the entire box of Tastykakes, including the one I promised to save for Katie. (I ended up going back to the store for another box on the way home.)
When I got home, it was after dinner. A part of me felt bad that I spent so much time away from my family, knowing I had to leave the very next day. The other part of me realized it was best for everyone if I didnât come home just a little bit drunk so I sat in the driveway and swigged the rum straight until I was happy and handsy. It took about ten minutes and four good swigs.
Everyone was back in front of the TV when I walked into the room. A few empty pizza boxes littered the coffee table, thus answering the question about what Mark gave the kids for dinner.
âAny left for me?â
âThereâs a slice somewhere,â said Ryan, my new least favorite kid.
I tossed the last Butterscotch Krimpet to Katie. âHere.â
âWhatâs this for?â
âFor keeping your mouth shut.â
âI thought youâd be mad at me.â
âI am. Thatâs why there arenât two. But when pressed for details you gave them nothing.â
âThanks.â
âYou all right?â Mark asked.
âThat depends on you.â
He knew what I meant. âWeâll see.â
That was a âno.â
âIâm gonna take a shower. In case you change your mind.â
He never did, at least not that night. When I returned from the shower, the living room looked the same as when I left it. I rummaged through the pizza boxes but that slice Ryan said had my name on it had found another stomach to call home. My money was on Ryan, whose burp smelled suspiciously like Supreme which he hated except when it was the last slice.
I poured a rum-and-coke and debated myself about the pros and cons of running out for another box of donuts. Instead, I drank myself silly, and one-by-one we headed off to bed. As each left the room, I checked their minds. Each thought happy thoughts, even Katie. That, in turn, made me happy.
I woke up alone the next morning. I heard Markâs voice coming from the kitchen along with two others voices I didnât recognize plus one I did.
I got dressed and went downstairs.
Shanna, the familiar voice, greeted me. âReady?â
âWhat time is it?â
â7:30.â
âIs there coffee?â
âHere.â
âDonât worry,â said Mark. âI made it how you like it.â
âEnough sugar to make my foot fall off?â
âYou got it.â
âSee that?â I asked Shanna. âFind a man who knows how to make you happy.â
I got a look at the new caretakers. Both were attractive but not as much as me if Iâm being brutally honest. âIâm Lydia, the reason youâre both here.â
âOur pleasure,â they said in unison.
âCan I give some pointers?â
They wisely nodded.
âFirst, the gutters are almost full. Also, Mark likes his underwear ironed and I usually chew the kidsâ food for them.â
âSweetie, why?â
âHey, if Iâm gonna leave these ladies alone with my family I expect them to do exactly as I do.
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Dark Humor | Humorous |
Satire |
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